22&brand new.

loss before gain. i’m guessing. 

you must destroy to rebuild. that’s what everyone speaks of. 

my heart is near barren, encapsulated in tougher than steel. 

i don’t even recall my last post here. my last projects i’ve tried with are rough recollections. i had to flee – hurt took me away from all duties as well as pleasures. i have been without.

i have been without my belongings, my home and home goods. the very comfort of personal space was yanked from me. my world, already a terror, turned upside down and left there, no escaping. more misfortune. chaos ensued. i’ve been harmed, my wounds are keloid over yet still fresh. how?

everywhere i turn is just more. i do not care for my wants or wellbeing as i should. i do not breathe our air the same way i once inhaled. my heart is warm, i do not know if my blood is still. 

life shapes you. 

recent experiences have made me wise, wiser than i believe. wisdom is after pain. 

i am forever a Lover. but who does a Lover become with no love? no love. no support. no pleasure?

Lover Season ?

I sent some of my E-girlfriends a valentine. I planned a date with my Mom, my sister, my best friend. I’m looking inward to find what I want in romantic love. 

Cupid’s day. I’ve always been a lover, any sort. Platonic and friendly my favorite, romantic my most coveted. I’ve been a single mami for almost two years, I wonder of my future forever sometime. Whom ever, he fleets my mind when I’m working, his silhouette travels back when I’m content or more. I do boos or pre-fiancés, no boyfriends. The few few who come to mind never fit where I would like. They bad. The one who can hold my sight, I still never know. Actually I think I may. I let my intuition lead.

Dating within my generation, esp my region, a mess. Too many trival worries, too many old trust issues unfixed, too much peer pressure to entertain bullshit. No one can handle a casual relationship nor can they handle a monogamous one. Nigga. Lmao. Yet, I know most of us want better. The game is shit, be honest. Don’t mean I don’t know how to play, bay-bay. Don’t mean I want to, shaw-taay.

My heart is…not solidified with her feelings but that’s when I love her best. When in doubt, show love 2 my girls. 

Mood: Player’s Prayer – Lloyd

first of spring semester

Clean slate, smooth start. A renewal. Refreshments and clear breezes. I’m poised, fairly ready. Thankful. By no means am I without doubt or hesitance, but I am beginning to feel comfortable once more. I am led forward, guided by my hindsight. It seems more than plausible to find answers within my lessons, no?
I’m emotional lately, but not with the usual fear, or stress. I’d like to label it wonder, I think, but surely then my nostrils wouldn’t warm, my lips wouldn’t pout.

Give it a few days, doll. Save me a few, too.

Mood: Redbone (Instrumental) – Childish Gambino

#The Calvington Initiative

You like what you like, you do what you do, you live how you live.

Have you ever asked yourself WHY?

Why do we, as a people*:

  • Maintain selfish mindsets (Me&Mines’)
  • Believe and spread respectability politics
  • Come from broken/unsafe homes
  • Ignore or belittle abuse
  • Ignore or belittle mental illness
  • Disregard & even mock drug abuse and trauma
  • “Shrug off” ignorant violence
  • Hate the color of our skin
  • Hate the way we look
  • View non-black women & men as any type of superior
  • Focus on non-black people & their opinions of us
  • Focus heavily on others problems instead of own
  • Allow non-blacks to exploit our culture and values
  • View white acceptance as desirable
  • Rely blindly on religious texts
  • Listen to derogatory music
  • View hood males as a negative
  • Believe in false good nigga vs thug nigga themes
  • Think of entertainment or athleticism as our only or ideal way to success
  • Focus on materialistic items instead of wealth building
  • Undervalue the effect & power of the African American dollar
  • Hesitate to support one another
  • View another’s success as an insult
  • Disrespect and breakdown our women
  • Dispose of monogamy
  • Disvalue the black family
  • View marriage negatively
  • Undervalue our power

Why?

Read More

Ground L

insatiable.

My body has turned on me long ago, now I feel my mind turning on a pivot. 

My latest fashion trend is m a pair of dusk grey glasses, a lasting accessory.  Lenses of melancholy. A true fit for my desaturated lifestyle. No color here, other than Pink where I reside. 

What?, plans? I suppose. January, resolute what? 

Life is nothing but a dry fuck to me. I get to lay & enjoy the everlasting burns. Before, at least I left with a wet ass and a lesson to toot. Now, it seems not even Life has rain to spare and fertilize me. I let It lay with me now. At least then I don’t feel alone. 

I did ask to grow my own stalk. 

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