i’m returning to a familiarity, ala, mamas’ back on her bullshit.
i’m returning to a familiarity, ala, mamas’ back on her bullshit.
loss before gain. i’m guessing.
you must destroy to rebuild. that’s what everyone speaks of.
my heart is near barren, encapsulated in tougher than steel.
i don’t even recall my last post here. my last projects i’ve tried with are rough recollections. i had to flee – hurt took me away from all duties as well as pleasures. i have been without.
i have been without my belongings, my home and home goods. the very comfort of personal space was yanked from me. my world, already a terror, turned upside down and left there, no escaping. more misfortune. chaos ensued. i’ve been harmed, my wounds are keloid over yet still fresh. how?
everywhere i turn is just more. i do not care for my wants or wellbeing as i should. i do not breathe our air the same way i once inhaled. my heart is warm, i do not know if my blood is still.
life shapes you.
recent experiences have made me wise, wiser than i believe. wisdom is after pain.
i am forever a Lover. but who does a Lover become with no love? no love. no support. no pleasure?
Cupid’s day. I’ve always been a lover, any sort. Platonic and friendly my favorite, romantic my most coveted. I’ve been a single mami for almost two years, I wonder of my future forever sometime. Whom ever, he fleets my mind when I’m working, his silhouette travels back when I’m content or more. I do boos or pre-fiancés, no boyfriends. The few few who come to mind never fit where I would like. They bad. The one who can hold my sight, I still never know. Actually I think I may. I let my intuition lead.
Dating within my generation, esp my region, a mess. Too many trival worries, too many old trust issues unfixed, too much peer pressure to entertain bullshit. No one can handle a casual relationship nor can they handle a monogamous one. Nigga. Lmao. Yet, I know most of us want better. The game is shit, be honest. Don’t mean I don’t know how to play, bay-bay. Don’t mean I want to, shaw-taay.
My heart is…not solidified with her feelings but that’s when I love her best. When in doubt, show love 2 my girls.
Mood: Player’s Prayer – Lloyd
My body has turned on me long ago, now I feel my mind turning on a pivot.
My latest fashion trend is m a pair of dusk grey glasses, a lasting accessory. Lenses of melancholy. A true fit for my desaturated lifestyle. No color here, other than Pink where I reside.
What?, plans? I suppose. January, resolute what?
Life is nothing but a dry fuck to me. I get to lay & enjoy the everlasting burns. Before, at least I left with a wet ass and a lesson to toot. Now, it seems not even Life has rain to spare and fertilize me. I let It lay with me now. At least then I don’t feel alone.
I did ask to grow my own stalk.
but i’m 21.
I thought I was seasoned for summer excitement, rather i’m taking it as a time of luxury. It’s a much better alternative, imo. I’ve been keeping to myself lately, plotting and pampering. I deserved a time with loose obligations, so I served it to myself.
I needed a imaginative intermission, & chile, I received it indeed. My mind has went everywhere in the best way. My personal & creative goals are coming together quite nicely❤️. I’ve learned to relax and let shit happen. Applying a corporate-like grind to non career happenings just leaves me frustrated and tired. Two things I absolutely don’t deal with.
Moving & grinding so fast creates that Taz-effect I’m so very used to. My usually pristine organization was less than ideal in the last couple months so I’m ironing it all out. Nitty gritty commitments on the sly.
I’ve exerted loads of pressure onto myself, and just recently I’ve realized I can relieve that stress as quick as I bat my eyelashes. I’m recognizing the amount of invisible obligations I’ve held myself to. It’s cute to me, really. It’s much crazier to see my patterns change. Loving that concept.
Now I’ve eased up, I’m glowing. Since I’ve stepped back and sat my ass down momentarily I have:
Look out for my summer guide, my advice videos and some dedicated writing pieces.
That’s all I want to touch on for now 😘. I’ll be dipping in and off of the Internet for the rest of the week, catching up. If you see me say hi :).
Subscribers, please check your email for my first newsletter ❤️. If you’d like an notification for every blog post please click here.
Mood: Comfortable – RJ
photo dump after the break.
Mood: Say Somethin’ – Mariah Carey
Though I know the solstice hasn’t hit, heat is always time for trouble. Summer is everything to me, it’s my absolute favorite time of year. I am the summer baby, baby. Don’t let my September birth throw you off. This is my last run as a babygirl, my last three months before I turn twenty-one. I feel in my heart 21 is a large age for me. I’m preparing myself for the shit I’m about to get into.
Money. Glam. Lust.
I’m self-employed on my own schedule, I have a thorough break from college life. For now, my time is unlimited, I want to focus on the last of me I need to get done. I’ve been so work focused, with no time to play. Silly girl. Luckily, the sunshine will parade & play along with me this time around. I have a chance to breathe and let my wild side free.
I’ve been focusing so very much on my education, my careers, my mindset, my mental confidence. I’m proud of how much I’ve learned about myself on my own. After taking my leap of faith and reaping the successes & difficulties, that chapter has been started. I’m ready for the vain segment of my glow up.
Grinding is fruitful, but it’s also consuming. In a few ways, I’ve been neglecting tangible things that make me happy. My hair has been wild, my clothes are starting to bore me, when’s the last time I bought some stilettos? Pitiful. I haven’t treated myself in a while, really in any capacity. That’s most definitely over now. Whatever I desire, I will indulge in. I’m worth everything I want, plus more.
I have visions of myself at my physical best, my grown & sexy with my hilarity and my charm. I have new taste I’d love to adhere to. I’m ready to polish littlems.vvs so she can shine bright before she go flawless. Summer is prime time for my act outs. Plus, on the new shit I’m on? Bitch, please. Be ready.
It’s literal thirst trap season. Recognize my game & stay on them toes lil bae.
Mood: Killing You Hoes – Trina
times are sour with flirts of pleasure. i’ll manage through, though discipline is definitely no sweeter. ick !!
mood: candy – cameo
April has been a road driven by my creativity & my hunger. I’ve learned a plethora of timeless lessons. I’ve been young-fun-wildin to a degree I never have before. I’ve experienced trauma & pain I had no control over. I’ll never forget the moments I’m experiencing now.
My growing pains are overwhelming. I’m in a constant state of change, doused in curiosity with a youthful hint of naivety. Luckily my maturity has kept me fast on the right track, all while my heart sorts the conflicting emotions I experience. I embrace change but I refuse to be freely uncomfortable. Point blank forever.
I make a conscious attempt to show appreciation whenever I feel it is due. I recognize the value in returning a favor, even when my return is non tangible. I hold appreciation high with love and trust. It’s the most overlooked characteristic in our day to day.
Time. Thought. Conversation. Effort. Energy.
It’s in my nature to be heartfelt and sincere with everything I do. I gush appreciation, it’s forever been regular. I do it subconsciously. I look at it as extending my positive energy to another being, I am grateful I have even seconds of positivity to share. I know how reassuring it can make one feel, even if only for a second.
I also know how empty it can feel to go without.
I appreciate everything I do for others & that I for myself. I appreciate my soul, my body and my drive. I appreciate my successes & my accomplishments right alongside my mistakes and failures.
Genuine personal relationships are nothing I take for granted. I continue to nourish every relationship I carry, regardless of the type. I cannot let someone in my life feel as if their efforts are not acknowledged and celebrated. I would scream their worthiness from Everest just to let them know it’s real like that. The beauty lies in the mutualistic nature of a loving relationship.
A short tidbit on a mantra I live by. Hopefully a touch contagious. There’s a thousand ways to show appreciation, different forms are unique to you and I. I forever encourage exercising appreciation healthily, run to it.
Mood: Cater 2 U – Destiny’s Child
Following a splotchy hiatus, I am finally comfortable & settled on my very own domain. I can properly display who I am and share what I know, while growing more organically. I’ve adapted an online interest & hobby into a budding project. I’ve definitely been up to plenty, and you know I love to share. I have a few tricks I would like to unveil as times goes by.
My blog is the very first step in my blueprint, I hope it serves well. I am as accessible as ever, you can find me on other platforms or use my contact form above.
Mood: My House – Cassie
5’9. 116 pounds. Size 2.
Every area of skin I possess is rich with love. I embrace every inch I am blessed enough to be responsible for.
I had such an issue being thin, a large number of those reasons were external. My negative thoughts were not organic, my insecurities did not stem from my household. I didn’t feel as if my body type was welcomed by my culture, something that tore at me constantly.
Culturally, we favor obviously ‘womanly’ assets. The sterotypical African American ‘default preference’ is ample and voluptuous. Our music will tell you, our art will tell you, our trends will tell you.
Teasing & bullying became painful when it was further implemented by my elders. Repeated negative commentary can start to callous into ‘fact’. I was too constantly assured my ‘boyish’ and boxy figure was permanently off putting. I most definitely started to internalize that fact at such a young age – so incorrectly labeling myself as unwanted there foreword.
It stopped bothering me years ago. I enjoy my figure and I enjoy my metabolism. I love my freedom, I couldn’t give a fuck about minuscule tie ups in the mirror.
I don’t have large breasts or a large ass. I don’t have a nipped waist or prominent hips. I’m tall, I’m lanky, I’m bowlegged. I cannot hold weight for shit. I’m double jointed with a swayback. I’m beautiful, comfortable and sexy, without doubt.
I was always skinny, even when my thighs and hips started to make an appearance in highschool, I remained a size 0/1. I have been hovering between a size two & size 4 since I was 17. I don’t pick or nudge at my body for now trivial reasons. I take my imperfections in stride – no alterations needed.
everyone struggles with their physical confidence, alongside different situations snd pressures. i refrain from issuing unsolicited comments about others’ as to respect their relationship with their bodies. my relationship with my physique, mentally and physically, is unique to my life & experience. I love myself thorough and thorough.
Mood: Oops (Oh My) – Tweet
Today is my half birthday – I’m Twenty and six months today. Half birthdays hold weight for me, they signify a mid way point for each age. A moment to reflect on the experiences that have came with a new number badge, and a reminder to redeem that age. Twenty has been my favorite age. I am in a moment in my life where
I am processing past events while grooming myself for new experiences. I had absolutely no desire to turn twenty. There was so much comfort in my teens, even my pseudo adult years out of minority were loving. Twenty has bit me in the ass a few times, but has taught me plenty more. If I had to name my ages, I would label twenty as clarity.
Growing older is my favorite blessing. As I inch closer to 21, I quickly wonder what the world will have for me then, before the realities and curiosity of now bring me back to comfort.
Time is growth. I am definitely blossoming, and I have only just begun.
Mood: Ain’t Ready – Tinashe